Mormon
.]] Mormon: A member of, or having to do with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS Church), headquartered in Salt Lake City (SLC), Utah. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a Democrat, is a Mormon. So is former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, a Republican. Go figure. Most of the people in Utah and Idaho are Mormons, along with a lot of folks in Nevada. They settled the state of Utah, after a huge journey by foot from the well-populated eastern coast to a more fertile and peaceful place - the Great Basin. They don't drink alchohol,coffee,or tea, and they don't smoke, or engage in premarital sex. Most don't date until they are 16, and lots dont drink caffeinated drinks - they can become addictive. They beleive that a body is a gift from god and we should take good care of it. That means no tattoos or body peircings, except for 1 hole in each ear for women. They believe in one-man/one-woman marriage, but some factions claim to be LDS, but if they practice polygamy, that is definitely not true. When the Mormon community was impoverished after the trek to Utah, revelation was given to the modern day prophet stating that in order to provide food and shelter for widows and families without a father, plural marriage was acceptable.These men were needed to build homes, plow fields, etc. Without a husband, it was almost impossible to build a log cabin from scratch. Wikiality.com One of the main goals of the Church is to "Proclaim The Gospel" this means enlisting the help of millions of volunteer missionaries, who actually pay THEIR OWN WAY and live off of an allowance of their own money. Most must work and save up to go on a mission, as its called. These are your average 20-year-old men, except that they practice self-control. They may have to learn a difficult foreign language, and while on their mission, they cannot pursue the opposite sex. They can friendly teach and inspire, but they cant even flirt. LDS History The LDS Church (which is what missionaries call it when they're trying to get into your house) was started by someone named Joseph Smith who was definitely not related to Will Smith. He's kind of like Mohammed because he said that a whole new Bible-like book was revealed to him. Unlike Mohammed, Smith didn't get to talk directly to God. Instead, he found some golden tablets in New York that were written by someone named Mormon, who's supposedly a saint or angel or something like that. Mormon was served by a bunch of nincompoops who earned the nickname Moroni. Smith translated his tablets into the Book of Mormon, which is like a Newer Testament for Mormons. It talks about how Jesus and a bunch of Jews came to North America way before Christopher Columbus. The first It-getter? After Smith had translated them, the golden tablets flew off to heaven. This demonstrates that Joseph Smith may, in fact, be the first It-getter. Long before Stephen Colbert had revealed The Word of truthiness, Smith understood it in his gut. But there's even more to the proto-truthiness of early Mormonism: According to the Book of Mormon, the North America visited by Jesus was full of elephants. Full of 'em. Their population was exploding. Could it be any more truthy? Unfortunately for Smith, New York was full of a bunch of proto-Hillary factonista Democrats even way back in Joseph Smith's time. They were shocked by his truthiness and thought he was forming a cult. They forced Smith and his followers out of New York to flyover places in the Midwest. Succession rift Even though they were Red Staters, the people in the Midwest weren't any happier about Smith and his followers than New Yorkers had been. They didn't exactly buy into the Church of Jesus Christ part of the name that Smith had given to his outfit. Smith was assassinated by angry Midwesterners. This caused a big argument among the Moroni (as Smith's followers were called at the time) about who should succeed him. They split up into two groups: * Shiites: Believed that Smith's sons and grandsons should succeed him as prophet. * Sunnis: Believed a non-relative named Brigham Young should take over. This disagreement caused a deep rift and cultural divide that survives to this day, sometimes causing significant friction between the two groups. It is also said that in the book of Mormon that Jesus Christ son of God traveled over the Atlantic Ocean in a wooden submarine. This would mean that the Germans copied Jesus. Damn you Nazis. The Shiite Moroni stayed put in places like Independence, MO. Brigham Young, prophet of the Sunni Moroni, convinced his flock to trek with him to the Pacific Ocean. He promised them high times on the beaches with cool ocean breezes with "all the chicks you could dream for." Other Supposed Beliefs Multiple Gods Joseph Smith was told by God that the Christian belief about a single-God "Trinity" was absurd. Instead of accepting tortured "Trinitarian" ontology of ancient godless Greeks, Smith told the Mormons that there are three different Gods. Jesus (who is also the Old Testament Jehovah), The Heavenly Father, and the Holy Ghost. Other humans can and have become Gods, but they're mostly off in other worlds where they don't have much effect on earthly humans. The Spirit Gods are mostly busy with multiple-wife begetting of spirit children in the heavenly orbs. There's a lot of begetting and begatting among the Mormon Gods. This must remain a mystery to anyone who hasn't yet invited a couple of young Mormon missionaries into the home. Talking Salamanders Mormons think that a salamander told Joseph Smith where to find the golden tablets. That makes salamanders very holy. Mormons think that the original band of Mormons (the Moroni) speak through salamanders. That makes them stupid, yet entertaining -- like Larry the Cable Guy. Holy Seagulls As with all truthyisms, the more you say or do something the truer it becomes. And so it is with seagulls and their proxy, seagull statues. It is believed that the seagull statue fetish dates back to the days when the original Mormons went looking for the Pacific Ocean: it was not where they had believed it to be. Confusion arose when one Mormon wondered what happened to the infallible tour guide; they had followed a "prophet" of Jesus. The prophet said Jesus had said the ocean was there and He could not be wrong. The Mormons decided then that they were at the ocean making seagull statues perfectly acceptable. To further cognitively affirm what appears to outsiders as dissonance, Mormons immediately declared seagulls to be holy, probably more holy than, and most certainly more truthier than salamanders. There are seagull pictures and statues everywhere in Salt Lake City. On banks, at their churches, in parks every possible place that could hold a statue in order to confirm their beliefs. Fortunately for the residents of Salt Lake City, there are not that many of the actual clattering sky-rat birds at the lake. Creating more reason to erect more and more statues lest anyone believe they were not at the ocean. Orgy-Marriages Both of the two biggest prophets of the Mormons, Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, liked the ladies. A lot. They both had harems of wives (another similarity with Mohammed) and urged their male followers to do the same. They called this practice "plural marriage" and said it was very, very holy. When the Mormons in Salt Lake City decided it would be a good thing to become a state, they ran into a problem with that marriage thing. Congress wasn't about to let them in until they recognized the sanctity of one-man/one-woman marriage, just like good American Protestants. This was a problem because God had personally revealed to both Joseph Smith and Brigham Young that He liked plural marriage. It became a fundamental tenant of the Mormon faith. Another issue: the main reason they wanted to become a state is so that plural wives could collect welfare to help support their huge families and lazy husbands. What to do? Well, it turns out that God continues to speak to whoever is elected as leader of the Mormon Church. They call their version of a pope the "President". The President at the time prayed to God, asking him if plural marriage was still necessary. "Not so much," God replied. And because of that conversation the LDS President declared that the Mormon Church was now strongly in favor of one-man/one-woman marriage, just like those "Gentiles" (which is what Mormons call everybody else) in Washington. Unfortunately, the Moroni Salamanders were talking to many husbands in Utah who had come to enjoy their harems. The salamanders told them that plural marriage is still holy no matter what the LDS President says. This caused another schism in the Church, but Utah was admitted to the union anyway. Most of the salamander-harem-husbands decided that it was OK to have one marriage officially (a civil union) while the sanctity of plural marriage was maintained through religious ceremonies. Non-white people are not holy Smith & Young were told by God that only white people would make it into heaven. It was a fundamental tenant of the Mormon faith. The coloreds could join the Church and give it ten-percent of their income, but they couldn't be made muckety-mucks in the Church. This became a bit of a public-relations problem for the Church in the 1970s when a wave of political correctness briefly swept over the land. (That was before Rush Limbaugh and RNC ads set things straight.) Fortunately for the image of the Church, God was concerned with this PR-issue and so he told the LDS President that it would be OK for some coloreds to get into heaven and even, maybe, become Mormon bishops if absolutely necessary. They see dead people When salamanders aren't talking to Mormons, dead people are. The dead people beg Mormons to let them get Mormon-baptised so that they can get into heaven and leave the crowded Limbo slum where they were sent because they weren't Mormons when they died. Mormon baptisms are so popular among dead people that millions of them have contacted the Mormons. Because they're an efficient lot, the Mormons record all the information they get from dead people into the world's most massive genealogical database. Baptism of Colbert Even though he's not yet dead, Mormons have made an exception to their Baptism of the Dead rule and have baptised Stephen Colbert. Dr. Colbert, a Catholic, has not yet revealed what he thinks of this. Mormons argue that their faithiness, compared with that of Vatican followers, is much more in tune with the United States Republican Party (except for that marriage thing) and therefore closer to Dr. Colbert's true spirit. They also point out Joseph Smith's extraordinary truthiness credentials. We await The Word on this issue. Coffee worship They apparently worship coffee because they call their religion the Church of Jesus Christ of Latte Day Saints. They don't let so-called "Gentiles" into their big, gaudy "temples" so it isn't known exactly... Update: Hate coffee It turns out that the name of their church is actually Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Not "Latte". They don't worship coffee. In fact, they're not allowed to drink caffeine in any form. Holy Underwear Mormons were the first to develop the material now known as Kevlar. US Soldiers often use it (when budget allows) in vests to stop many bullets. It was developed by the Mormons to protect their missionaries who go into dangerous places like Nigeria, Canada, China, and Iraq. But Mormons don't just wear it as a vest. For them, it's full body armor that's designed especially to protect the nether regions. It's Holy Underwear for Mormons that's given to each of them in a ceremony at puberty. Not only will it protect them from arrows and bullets when they become missionaries (as all of them are required to do), but it also serves as an ingenious chastity belt. Only a "bishop" at a Mormon stake (which is what they call a local church) can unlock the chastity features of the underwear. Famous Mormons * The Osmonds * Mitt Romney * Harry Reid * Napoleon Dynamite * J. W. Marriott and family (It's their hotel chain.) * Joe Albertson (It's his supermarket.) * ex-NFL QB Steve Young (A descendant of Brigham and one of his many wives.) Prejudice Against Mormons Wikiality.com strives to provide the most fair and balanced™ information about every worthy topic. So, in that spirit, we provide this section so that every real Christian can see how other people ignore the teachings of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ with their lack of understanding and tolerance for Mormons. See Also * Jewish Mormons * Colbert Report City External Links * Mormons online * [http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0061/0061_01.asp Some people just don't understand] * Utah Lighthouse Ministry -"The purpose of this site is to document problems with the claims of Mormonism and compare LDS doctrines with Christianity."